bleeding inside...

Okay, no more poetry.  Sorry, Nanowrimo, but I can't do it.  There's too much pain and hurt for me to try to bring my thoughts into neat little lines.  So )()(*I)(* it.  I can't do it today.  Not today.

You might ask why?  What's happened? Why are you so hurt/sad/depressed?  Lots of little things all together.  I thought that I was bigger than this, but I guess I'm not.  I can usually deal with things (nothing is all that big, after all), but too many little things all pushed together becomes a big ball of stress and hurt lodged in between my throat and my heart.  It's too much.  I can't bear it.  And yet, who else will, if not me.

Please don't say "God".  It's all well and good to say that, but you know what?  I LOVE God.  I have known him and loved him since I was FIVE.  But sometimes it's not enough.  Don't tell me that means that somehow I'm not letting him in.  When I get like this, I just have to fight through it and realize that he's behind me, pulling for me.

It's times like these that I realize how very alone I am.  I feel sorry for my son--he shouldn't have to see me go through this stupidity, but he's good about it.  That's something, at least.

So if you want to help me, pray.  My problem, at the core, is that I'm too stressed, too tired, have too much to do, and feel that I'm letting people down.  I know that's stupid, but that's how I feel.  Just in writing this, I know what I have to do.  I have to write to the person that I feel that I'm letting down and explain that I'm doing the best I can and she's going to have to deal with it.

I feel better already.  Not.  But at least now I know what I have to do.