I have a medical problem. I get mad sometimes. It is not because I want to, but because I have various imbalances that work together to fill me with frustrated anger that wells over into tears. I control this anger with various medicines, but sometimes something sparks it and off I go, medicine or not.
I don't like being angry. Angry means out of control. Anger means fear--I can't stand facing the person that I'm angry with, so I have to fight myself not to run. Eventually I get there, but sometimes that right moment that we all talk about is past, and when I approach the person, they honestly can't believe that I'm still angry about that.
Anger is really hard for me to deal with. It keeps me up at night--one of the very few things that does. It makes me fear retaliation, even when there is no logical reason to do so. If I feel angry at someone, often it's someone in a position of control, and I worry that confronting that person will result in my losing the freedom to keep on doing what I'm doing. So I determine that I'm going to tough it out, let it go, and walk on as if nothing has happened. And that's when the tears come. Wonderful. So now I am in a state of helplessness that I can't control, and everyone is wondering what on earth is the matter with me.
Anger is not my friend. But I will learn to make anger my companion, not my master. I'm just not quite sure how. Any suggestions?
I made ther journey. Now it's time for you to make it. ((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteI keep making it. Like I said--imbalance. But how did you make it?? Suggestions?
ReplyDeletePerhaps it is in how you choose to view your reaction. Yes, I hate crying, but it is an emotional release. That is empowering and not "helplessness." I found when I allowed myself this release without placing judgement on my reaction that I really could move on faster without the added complication of labeling the reaction as being weak or irrational or (fill in negative, judgmental adjective here.) It is a societal convention that makes me judge my tears. They are a physical manifestation of my being able to feel...of my humanness. Sure at times they are inconvenient and I do not always want to have them around when something wonderful overwhelms me like a moment in a movie or a song, but I figure it is just my body acknowledging what is going on within. It took me a long time to be ok with laughing until I cry, or welling up with tears when things are sad or joyful. Overall I think I am the better for the empathy and the feeling, and yes, when I am hurt and angry going off alone and letting down to cry is alright too. It means I am a feeling, caring person. I would not wish it otherwise even though I might seem more controlled and life would be less inconvenient to not cry :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Cassandra. I needed to hear that.
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