Wednesday, March 13, 2013

anger--

I have a medical problem.  I get mad sometimes.  It is not because I want to, but because I have various imbalances that work together to fill me with frustrated anger that wells over into tears.  I control this anger with various medicines, but sometimes something sparks it and off I go, medicine or not.

I don't like being angry.  Angry means out of control.  Anger means fear--I can't stand facing the person that I'm angry with, so I have to fight myself not to run.  Eventually I get there, but sometimes that right moment that we all talk about is past, and when I approach the person, they honestly can't believe that I'm still angry about that.

Anger is really hard for me to deal with.  It keeps me up at night--one of the very few things that does.  It makes me fear retaliation, even when there is no logical reason to do so.  If I feel angry at someone, often it's someone in a position of control, and I worry that confronting that person will result in my losing the freedom to keep on doing what I'm doing.  So I determine that I'm going to tough it out, let it go, and walk on as if nothing has happened.  And that's when the tears come.  Wonderful.  So now I am in a state of helplessness that I can't control, and everyone is wondering what on earth is the matter with me.

Anger is not my friend.  But I will learn to make anger my companion, not my master.  I'm just not quite sure how.  Any suggestions?

4 comments:

  1. I made ther journey. Now it's time for you to make it. ((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))

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  2. I keep making it. Like I said--imbalance. But how did you make it?? Suggestions?

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  3. Perhaps it is in how you choose to view your reaction. Yes, I hate crying, but it is an emotional release. That is empowering and not "helplessness." I found when I allowed myself this release without placing judgement on my reaction that I really could move on faster without the added complication of labeling the reaction as being weak or irrational or (fill in negative, judgmental adjective here.) It is a societal convention that makes me judge my tears. They are a physical manifestation of my being able to feel...of my humanness. Sure at times they are inconvenient and I do not always want to have them around when something wonderful overwhelms me like a moment in a movie or a song, but I figure it is just my body acknowledging what is going on within. It took me a long time to be ok with laughing until I cry, or welling up with tears when things are sad or joyful. Overall I think I am the better for the empathy and the feeling, and yes, when I am hurt and angry going off alone and letting down to cry is alright too. It means I am a feeling, caring person. I would not wish it otherwise even though I might seem more controlled and life would be less inconvenient to not cry :-)

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  4. Thanks, Cassandra. I needed to hear that.

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