when you're dealing with death

In our Stephen Ministry class yesterday, we approached the topic of death--how to walk beside someone who is dying or their friends or family.  I was amazed at how many people have dealt with their own death or death of others besides parents.  Children, spouses, their own deaths that were averted--the pain in the room was palpable.  And it was a fragile time.  I saw tempers flare and tears come easily.  I've been dealing with my own anniversary of death (husband's 20th), so maybe I was less sensitive for that reason, but I was very aware of the atmosphere in the room.

I thought that some things that were said were worth repeating:

• Don't try to reason a dying person away from thinking and talking about his own death.  When they're ready, they might want to talk, and they need you to be there to listen.  Not to judge, not to talk them out of it--to listen and to affirm and to repeat their thoughts back to them so that they know that they're being heard.
• When someone is dying they go through the five steps:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  They might go through one to another sequentially, but often they go back and forth and revisit the stages until they are ready to go on.  Some never get to acceptance.  And that's okay.  Don't try to hasten it along.  Don't make them live--and die--on your timetable.  It's not doing them a service to remind them that bargaining is futile or that anger is useless. God understands.  Try to do the same.
• Please be kind.  They don't need a cheerleader.  They don't need a motivational speaker.  They need someone who is willing to be there, to listen, to cry with them (if that's something you can do), and to hold them.
• Here's one that didn't come up yesterday, but I learned it and it is with me every day.  Understand that feelings may change or not be easily understood.  My husband only regained consciousness for a short while.  I know that he was happy to see me.  I know he loved me.  He seemed perfectly content to hold my hand and be with me.  But when I asked if he'd like to see his mother--he squeezed my hand so hard that there was no doubt as to who was the one he needed. I was momentarily hurt, but I was also grateful that I could do him such an enormous good by such a little action.
• Don't take the grief of the family onto yourself (this is also mine).  If you are walking with the dying person, then you will see family members and they might want to talk to you about your dying friend or family member, recruit you to speak for their point of view, or keep you from what they see as infringing on their time.  If your friend has made it clear that s/he wants you to share this last walk with them, don't bow to anyone else's wishes.  There's time enough to deal with others later.  Of course, you should always make sure that your friend's wishes are still being met.  If she's decided that she would rather be with family, then bow out gracefully.  It's their needs that need to be met, not yours.

I hope that this has been helpful for someone.  I have worked with grief for a long time, but I've never had to walk with someone (besides my husband and son, of course) who were walking the last path. I pray that when the time comes, I will be a good friend to that person.  If you are the one who is chosen to share the path, I pray the same thing for you.