on mistakes

How many times have we thought back over mistakes and realized, even now, that we still grit our teeth and squeeze our eyes tightly shut at the remembrance of such horrible things that happened because we were naive, foolish, or just plain not thinking straight.  I know I have my share, and I'm pretty sure that you do as well.  Have you ever wondered whether you will ever be able to forgive yourself?

I used to.  There are some things that I've done in my life that I'm ashamed of, and there are things that happened that make me wish with all my heart that I'd just simply known better--or thought it through--or just somehow known not to take that particular road.  However, I've come to realize one very important thing:  my mistakes, like everything else in my life, serve to make me who I am, and I am a better person for them.

For example, I stopped writing blogs a few years ago because of a mistake that I made.  Partly it was through my neglecting to be diligent, partly it was because I didn't think things through and therefore allowed myself to do something that I came to regret, and partly it was just dumb luck.  But whatever the cost, the repercussions were serious, and I felt grateful that I was able to keep my job.  For the rest of the year, I went around like a timid child, afraid to do anything or say anything.  Even though I was "safe," I didn't feel safe.  I felt trapped.  I felt like I was walking in a nightmare of my own making.

But then I stopped and thought about it.  I realized that as misguided as my actions were, they weren't done in malice.  I did not deserve the self-condemnation that I was feeling.  I knew that it would be a long year, but I resolved to make the best of it and keep on (believe me, that did not come overnight).  I did make it through that year, and the next, and now I feel that it is well behind me.  I am slowly learning to trust again--to trust myself and others.  I had to finally come to the point where I could forgive myself for this error of judgement and move on.

Mistakes, even though they are so very hard to get past, often have their own rewards.  The lessons that we learn come at a cost, and therefore we are bound to remember them and (hopefully) not repeat them.  I know that I will never be so naive again when writing a blog.  I have purposefully set my blog on "public", because I intend to make sure that there is absolutely nothing questionable or objectionable on the blog.  If at any time I decide to write something that might be seen so, I intend to fully stand behind it, because I now understand the cost.

So if you have something that has been bothering you, something that makes you wince when you remember, just remember that God reminds us to give thanks in all things.  He doesn't say this to make us squirm; he wants us to be free.  So look, and live, and be free.