Learning to accept yourself

     I am damaged.  I am full of flaws and imperfections.  I have made many mistakes in my life, and others have been harmed by them.  With all this baggage, how can anyone possibly see me as beautiful?

And yet God does.  He sees me as perfect, as his child, as a bride fully fit for his Son, and as someone who is desirable in her own right.  I used to think that he saw me as beautiful only because he saw me as clothed with his Son, but I've come to understand that it's much more than that.  One way that this occurred was that I walked with him in spirit.

It happened in a time of prayer.  I was not asking for, praising, or really anything at all other than just sitting quietly and waiting.  As I did, I felt the Lord come to me and ask me to take His hand.  I did--who wouldn't?--and we walked together.  As we walked hand in hand, the Lord and I came to a lake.  It was beautiful, with grass and rocks around it and a forested area behind it.  There were mountains surrounding it--snow covered mountains that were reflected in the lake itself.  As we walked, He asked me if I trusted him.  I told him that I did, and then he said, "Take a breath and a step."  I did, and somehow I found myself in the middle of the lake.

This experience was not at all expected, but somehow (perhaps because it was a meditation and because I knew He was with me) I was not afraid.  The idea of wondering how deep the lake was and whether or not I would drown didn't occur to me.  I just enjoyed the water, the pleasure of knowing his closeness, and the feeling of absolute freedom that it all gave.  But then I looked down.

I was naked.  I was somehow totally without clothes.  He wasn't--he still was dressed (I never see him as clothed with anything but a radiance that is his Spirit), but I was entirely nude.  My pleasure turned in an instant to shame.  It horrified me that he would see the imperfection of my body, the marks and scars, both physical and mental, that time and abuse had left.  Shame turned into annoyance when I heard him laughing and realized that he could hear my thoughts!  What kind of a God was this?  Wasn't he supposed to understand me and have compassion?

His voice came out of the laughter.  It was liquid silver--so beautiful and full of joy.  Sweetheart, don't you think that I know what you look like?  I know you better than you know yourself!"

"But I'm hideous!"

"No, you're not!  You aren't seeing yourself as I see you.  Look again, and look with my eyes."

It took me a while, but I dared to look down at my body. I was amazed at what I saw.  My old body was gone, and in its place was a beautiful body.  Every change that I had gone through had disappeared, and I looked like a young girl of 16--but at the same time, I felt that this was the body of a woman mature in the ways of God.

As I came to accept what I was seeing, I felt the understanding come to me.  This is not my physical body; it's my spiritual body.  My spirit is full of the splendor and power of God, since He has saved me with his own blood.  It is beautiful not only because he is beautiful, but also because He has given me a beauty that is all my own.  This is not only a reflection of him; it is also my own light that shines for the world to see.  In that light, others can see and realize the beauty of God because my spiritual self glows beyond my physical self.

I don't know if I've explained it very well, but this was how I learned to accept myself.  It was the start of many wonderful realizations.  I've come to see that God has created me a unique and beautiful being, and he has given me gifts that I alone can use.  Some of those gifts are also given to others, but not in the same way that they're given to me.  The same is true of you and of all God's children.  With such God-given beauty, how can we not accept ourselves?