On the path

The more I walk this road toward publication, the more divided I become.  Part of me is excited; part of me wonders what I'm doing.  Too late now.  I've made up my mind and there is no turning back.

It seems like every day I'm reminded of another reason that I should speak about suffering--minister to those going through trauma.  Today, a beautiful woman with a horrendous story came to SADD club to speak.  She was an ordinary mother--she had a son who was in Salpointe, and she and her husband decided to rent a video.  They went to the video store, and as they were coming back, she remembers approaching Mountain St.  She remembers nothing after that, but she was told that a 19-year-old was celebrating his birthday by driving drunk.  She had the right of way and was making a turn, and he slammed into her car.  Her husband was killed and she was forever changed.  She has walked through a lot in the years since, and now she is giving back by sponsoring an endowed scholarship.

After the students left, she and I stayed together for awhile and talked.  She has been a speaker for quite some time, and I told her of my plans.  It was crazy how many feelings we have in common.  We both lost our husbands, though in very different ways.  We both had encounters in the hospital with people who were sent by God (in fact, I've always wondered if my hospital visitor was really an angel).  We've both walked a long way to come back to ourselves, and we both feel mandated to share our experiences so that we can help others.  Donna is an important part of our substance abuse awareness program for parents, and she also volunteers for MADD and other organizations.  As I've said, I'm readying myself for a ministry to the person who is walking through trauma.  Both of us agree that the training that we've received--and the life that we live--is exhausting.

Exhausting.  I sometimes wonder how I'll make it through.  For example, right now it is 10:13.  I am writing in my blog because I know I need to record this.  It's a marker for me.  But it means that once again I'll be late getting to bed.  I'm exhausted all the time these days.  If I'm not teaching, I'm grading papers. If I'm not doing school work, my mind is working on another story--sometimes unbeknownst to me!  I'm constantly second guessing myself, and I often find myself thinking that this will fall by the wayside.  I have never managed to be published, so why should I think that I can do it now?

Another thing that I deal with is the overimportance that I place on relatively unimportant things.  I have misplaced some files.  I know they're here someplace--but there is no need for me to overturn my house looking for them.  If I can't find them, I know there's a reason.  But still I obsess.

This is all part of the walk.  I'm sure of that.  I promise myself, here and now, that I will keep walking.  I WILL finish this book.  I WILL fulfill God's plan and purpose for my life. I KNOW I will, because I know that HE is here--right now--guarding and guiding me.  Amen.