I have fought since I was a child. I have battled abuse, both physical and mental. I have dealt with mental illness in the form of depression. I have made horrendous mistakes and suffered because of them. In all these things, I have been fortunate--yes, fortunate--because I have learned a valuable lesson. That lesson is solidifying and becoming my platform.
I find that in my life, there have been three major types of trauma. The first is the trauma in which I was a victim, the second is trauma which I was instrumental in causing, and the third is trauma in which nobody was to blame--things went horribly wrong, and I (and many others) suffered because of them. In walking toward wholeness, I found that all three types of trauma had to be handled in the same way: go back to the event, forgive, and move on.
Seems simple, doesn't it? Well, I can only recently claim that I am far enough in the journey to actually claim wholeness, and I started that journey in 1993, so I am pretty sure that my explanation is deceptive. However, that is exactly what I did. I went back to the event (sometimes over and over again), I forgave the people involved--including myself and including God--and I moved on. Often, I found myself coming back again, and that's where this got interesting for me. I was told over and over again never to revisit old wounds. If I had claimed healing, then healing had happened, and I was giving in to a spirit of infirmity by going back. I have come to believe that words like that are a lie from the pit of Hell itself! Sometimes you have to revisit the same scene over and over again because you are unable to fully realize the healing. Each time, though, the process is the same. You go back to the event, forgive, and move on again.
Rereading this, I realize that there is something that I didn't mention yet. In some ways, it's the most important part. See where God is in this. I know it smacks of visualization, but that's not what I mean. I learned this from Father Mike Flynn, among others. You can ask God to show you the scene and ask to see where God (or Jesus or the Holy Spirit) was in the enacting of it. It can totally change your understanding of the situation when you do this. For example, there was a scene that played out over and over again in my mind. In that scene, I was totally helpless, and nobody came to give me aid. I felt powerless and shamed, and I couldn't understand why nobody was sent to intervene on my behalf. Then, at a conference led by Father Mike, we were led to ask the Lord where he was. I asked, and immediately I went back to the same scene again. But then I realized that the love of God was all around me. Jesus was right there at my side. No, he didn't stop it, but I do know that he was protecting me.
Some of you might be thinking that what I say is incomprehensible. If God was there, why didn't he lead me out of the situation, or better yet, never let the situation start? I can't answer that. What I can say, though, is that I am here today and part of what I am was created in that moment. I can honestly say that I don't wish it didn't happen. I don't know why I had to learn the lesson I learned, but one thing that I do know is that many others have dealt with the same trauma, and I am proof that they can come out the other side whole and healthy.
After you go back and see the events, you have to determine where forgiveness needs to occur. One reason you might find yourself revisiting an event is that you have not yet forgiven the people involved. The person most commonly left out of the forgiveness step is yourself. And even after you've forgiven yourself, you might find yourself coming back and forgiving yourself--or your abuser--or even God--for things that you hadn't even been able to consciously realize at the point you were at before.
After you have gone back and forgiven, you move on. But you don't move on and leave that place empty. You pray over the memory--you ask God to seal it for you and to leave it in the past unless and until it needs to come forward again. You ask him to cover it with his mercy and forgiveness, and then if (when) it comes up again, you ask the Lord if he can take it away. If he does, great. If it doesn't, ask what needs to be revealed now. And then go through the same procedure again--go back, forgive, and move on.
Of course, some of you are not at a point where you can do this alone. Or maybe you've tried to do it and been thrust into even more darkness and depression--perhaps even despair. Please don't try to do it yourself. If you have been so wounded that it is life threatening (whether this means your ability to live a happy life or whether you feel that it's worth living at all), you need help. Take the step and find it. When my husband died, it was the third loss in 4 years. I knew that my children couldn't deal with that, and I sought counseling immediately. I should have sought it for myself, too, and eventually I did. There is no shame in seeking help.
So this is my platform. What do you think?
Next time--how I learned how to write again.
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