Are you grieving this Christmas?

My husband was born on December 5.  Christmas and birthdays were always very entwined for us, especially with a daughter and a son with December birthdays, the son's on Christmas itself.  When Val was taken from us, it seemed like Christmas was taken as well.  I tried hard to make it not be that way, but I know that we all felt it.

Christmas when you're grieving is so very hard.  You might be grieving a loved one's death, but it might be a divorce, a job loss, or one of a million other things.  Grief is always serious and should never be overlooked.  But how can you balance grief and normalcy on the holidays?

First of all, don't feel that you have to.  My husband died in February.  He'd been gone almost a year in December.  I really don't even remember that first Christmas.  But in the years that have come since, I find that I still think of him more, still remember his excitement, still wish with all my heart that he was here.  My husband was part of my life for 13 years and gave me 4 children--I will never leave his memory out of Christmas.  I choose not to.

But you have to learn to go on, and you can't wallow in pain every year, can you?  You can keep your memories alive, but you also need to make new ones.  If it's possible, you could go someplace you really love for the holiday.  You might have single friends far from family that you could gather together with.  You can always arrange for something as a memorial--maybe you and some (understanding) friends or family can watch a movie your loved one really loved in his memory.  But at the same time, the gathering can become a new memory, one that will slowly replace the agony of being without him.  For a time, my family and I went to the Sharing Parents Christmas memorial, where we put up ribbons in honor of our baby and then also Val.

If your parting was not amicable, that has to be dealt with as well.  Maybe you feel guilty that you actually are happy (in part of your soul) that he's gone.  Maybe you have the day-to-day reminder that he's with someone else now--you grieve divorce every bit as much as death (maybe more, since there's no finality, only a daily reminder of a love that went off the tracks).  Either way, if you need to, please don't feel ashamed or worthless if you need to seek outside help.  It is the steps that you take that make you who you are.  Counseling is a necessary step for many.  I know that I would not be whole if it wasn't for the counseling that I received.

As you continue to walk through this season, accept small victories and admit small defeats.  If you try something and it worked for you, rejoice in that.  Maybe you could buy or find a small memento to remind yourself.  If you try something and it falls flat or makes you feel worse, then realize that and go on.  Please don't think that if you try and miss you should stop trying.  It's the failures that help us realize that we need to go in a different direction.

If you are walking in the desert this Christmas, God bless you.  I understand and would love to pray for you.  Drop me a line at meggiev7777@gmail.com if you'd like--I promise to uplift you in prayer this Christmas season.