silence

I am an introvert.  I covet silence.  If given a choice between a roomful of friends and one close friend, I'll take the close friend every time.  There have been times when I was invited to a party and deliberately chose not to go--just because I couldn't make myself make the effort.  When given the choice between working in a group and working alone, I usually choose the later.  Social gatherings confuse me--being in big crowds makes me go into myself and become a party of one.  I have been called a loner, antisocial, snobbish, and even a recluse.  I think everything but the snobbish remark is probably true.  I just don't appreciate large groups of people, even if they're all people that I know.

As I said, I've been labeled because I'm an introvert.  I am not necessarily shy, yet I'm labeled as such.  I certainly do not wish to be friendless, yet I've been thought to not need friends.  The problem isn't people.  The problem is noise.

Lots of noise confuses me.  It has been known to upset me--even give me headaches.  I don't know how to engage in small talk or chitchat, so I have stopped trying.  That, of course, labels me as "deep" or "antisocial", depending on who's talking.  I've been accused of having no sense of humor.  That's not true--but you do have do get close to me to find it, and that's not easy, I admit.

Silence is something that is sorely lacking in society today.  People like me prefer it to the noise of social togetherness.  I would rather stay home and read.  I would rather dwell in my own creativity than go to a movie and appreciate others'.  If I do go to a movie, I expect to discuss--critique--perhaps even tear it apart afterward with the person I went with.

I have discovered that silence is not bad.  Silence is where dreams live.  It's where hope is renewed.  It's where mistakes can be diagrammed and a new way found.  Silence is the perfect place for a person like me, especially shared silence.  If you want to get close to me, expect to be quiet.  We can meet together, discuss, and then just…be.  Be-ing is good.  Silence is good.

I hope that one day I can find a man who is as comfortable with me as I am with silence.  That would be perfection.