All-Consuming Fear -- The Surprising Truth

     As I write this, I am waiting for events to unfold within my family.  I'm not in charge of these events, and I am concerned.  A few years ago, I would have to say that I would have been terrified.  Life is happening, a bad outcome is possible, and I can do nothing to stop it except pray.

    But I am not terrified.  Deep within my soul I know that God is in control, and so I wait for him to do what he's going to do.  Whatever he does, it's going to be exactly what is needed.

    Some people might call this fatalism.  It isn't.  It's trust:  deep-down, all-encompassing, totally dependent trust.  This trust did not come overnight; it came through a surge down through fear, out through to the other side.  It came through living and breathing God's mercy, and the result is that I know that God's ways are not my ways, but they're the best ways.

    I've spoken about fear--ways to stop it from destroying your life. But there are times in our lives when our fear seems very valid and threatens to overwhelm us for good reason. When your loved one is in the hospital and nothing is helping, that can be terrifying.  When you are facing layoffs and cutbacks and are not prepared, you can become frozen with fear.  When you are faced with something that you have been concerned about all your life, it can come over you like a tidal wave.

    I've faced many things in my life:  abuse, death of a child, both parents, and a spouse, job loss, and most lately solitude.  All of these things at some point horrified me.  But all of them no longer do so.  Why?  Because I have walked through them.  I wish I could say that I walked through them fearlessly, but I did not.  However, I have learned secrets that might possibly allow you to walk through them more easily than I did.

    First of all, we are talking about enormous things here.  These are not fears that can easily be put aside.  Nobody wants to think of loved ones dying. Nobody wants to imagine themselves alone.  But some things can and should be worked through before the fear comes.  For example, loss.  When my father died, he was 81.  I knew that the death was coming.  I had time to prepare.  Yes, I still grieved and it was still hard, but it wasn't as overwhelming as were the other losses.  If you and your spouse are blessed with good health, wonderful!  You should still go through end-of-life planning together.  The fact that you did will make the ending easier. Everything is easier if you have walked through it before it happens.

     Next, don't collapse in on yourself.  That's what I did and it is absolutely useless.  If someone offers help, TAKE IT.  If you know that you need it and nobody is offering, MAKE YOURSELF ASK.  A real problem with friends of the grieving is that they don't know what to do.

    I could go on in this fashion, but I want to continue with the major idea.  We are overwhelmed by fear because we don't trust God to know and complete his plan.  When we see ourselves in the process, we imagine that it will be like this forever, or we think that it will never get better, or we are afraid that we will never recover.  In other words, we trust God's word.  "I know the plans I have for you--plans for GOOD and not for EVIL, plans to give you a HOPE and a PURPOSE.

    I hear you thinking--surely you don't mean that God PLANNED these things?  Surely you don't believe that God allows evil--or worse, brings it himself!  I'll tell you what I believe.  I believe that we don't know the end from the beginning.  Only God does that.  We don't see the path in its entirety.  Only God does that.  Sometimes we can get a glimmer, and sometimes that glimmer can put things into perspective.

Example:
    My son was born at 24 weeks.  Because we were part of the Kaiser HMO, we were forced to transfer him to a Kaiser hospital as soon as he was considered "stable".  He died after 11 days of struggling, and he broke our hearts.  Our family shattered.  That was our reality.  But there was another part of our reality that we didn't know--only God knew.  The clock was ticking on my husband.  Up to the moment my son died, God was distant and unimportant to him.  But when Tommy died, Val spoke of needing to get right with God so that he could see his son again.  That was real and necessary, and I believe he took it seriously.  

    When Tommy died, I wondered over and over again why God didn't save him.  My question was answered in 1993, when he took my husband.  I had a 6-month-old baby and 3 older kids.  There was no doubt that had Tommy survived, he would have been severely mentally disabled.  I simply could not have managed.

    I know--these examples raise every bit as many questions as they answer.  But at some point you have to stop blasting heaven's doors with "Why" and begin to realize that He knows what is best and you don't.

    The other thing I've learned about fear is that the very thing you're afraid of is that very thing that you need the most.  More on that next time.

Fear and worry: Subdue and Conquer

My last post dealt with fear and Philippians.  This time, I'm going to share with you how I've learned to deal with fear.  Please remember, though, that I'm not claiming to have overcome it.  I don't know if anyone absolutely overcomes fear.  I walk through it and have learned not to let it torment me.

First of all, name it.  You have this heavy feeling pressing down on you and making you feel anxious.  Why?  What is causing it?  Sometimes you know; sometimes you don't.  If you don't, ask the Lord to help you see.

I'm a big proponent of naming.  I think that if you are fighting something that doesn't have a name, you are giving all power over to your opponent and have already lost.  For example, as I sit here typing, I have a weight in my heart.  I could choose to ignore it, hoping it will go away on its own--bad idea.  I would go through my whole day anxious and depressed, wondering about that weight.  Instead, I did a little reflection and realized that there are several things weighing me down this morning.  First, I woke up early today and have a long day ahead of me.  Second, I have a rehearsal tonight that I haven't adequately prepared for.  Third, I am going to report on a concert tomorrow and feel woefully unprepared (I'm a perfectionist and as such have problems with my first time of doing anything.)

Having realized the issues that are weighing me down, I can now name them:  dread of the upcoming day, lack of preparation, and fear of failure.  As I write these words down, I already feel lighter.  There is a solution for each of these problems.

First of all, the dread of the day.  Go straight to the Bible, since only God can help there.
Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 40:28-31  Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God,   the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint,   and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;   they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary;   they shall walk and not faint.

Having understood this truth, I can now go to the physical aspect.  My eyes are sore, and even if I'm not tired, sore eyes make me feel so.  Since I have glaucoma, I take eye drops that dry out my eyes and make them sore.  So I remind myself to take my drops with me and use them when I feel tired during the day.  I did this just now, and I'm already feeling better!

Next, lack of preparation.  That one is easy.  I always worry about this before a rehearsal, and it's really not true.  I have prepared, I just haven't done so in the past week.  So today while I work, I will find my solos on Youtube and play them as I grade papers.  Hearing the soloist will cement my own part, and I will feel more confident tonight.

Finally, fear of failure.  Back to the same verse as before: 
Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Next, I remind myself that I have a meeting today with my supervisor, who will work with me to strengthen my article questions and help me be successful.  I don't have to do this alone.  Finally, I need to realize that I'm not in an adversarial relationship with my subject.  They want the article to succeed as much as I do.  So if I have questions or further research that I need to do, I can call them and they will help me. 

Franklin Roosevelt said that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.  That is so true.  If we name the fear, we have already gone far towards winning our battle.  Nebulous anxiety is able to overcome and overwhelm; fear that is named becomes a problem to be solved.

But what about fears that don't have easy fixes? I will look at that in the next post.

Nothing to fear...

As a Christian, I've heard the verses.  I've memorized them, kept them in my heart for such a time as this.  "Be anxious for nothing...fear not...be not afraid...and maybe the best of all--God gave us not a spirit of fear but of power and love and self control.

I hope you will forgive me, but in this case, I get more insight from Franklin D. Roosevelt.  He said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."  This is very very true, and for no one more than for me.  I've lived my life fighting fear, and I've lost more often than I've won.  Fear has immobilized me, kept me from achieving my dreams and goals, deprived me of joy and peace, and just basically ruined my life.  I used to live each day in fear. I was anxious about everything.  I worried about my kids and their decisions.  I was afraid that someone would commit suicide when they were having a bad day.  I would check my bank account several times a day, afraid that I had made some sort of mistake and had no money (of course, sometimes I was right to be afraid about that, but still...)--in short, there was really nothing in my life that didn't fill me with fear or anxiety.

For many years, I really didn't know how to fight this fear.  Then came the year that I felt I had to leave my job.  I knew that I couldn't stay there because of the way that they were doing business, so I followed what I believed was God's leading and quit.  As a teacher, of course, I was committed to stay through the year, but I had no idea what would happen after that.  For a widow with a son who would be starting high school, that's a scary place to be.  I tried to find jobs in Bakersfield, but it was too late.  People look for work in teaching in January, and this was April.  The jobs had been filled.  I started casting my net, first outside Bakersfield, then outside California.  There were interested replies, but nobody had offered me a job yet, and I was scheduled to go with my son to the Dominican Republic for a mission trip.

In the DR, I learned many things, some good and some bad.  In looking for answers to my dilemma, I thought that maybe God had something for me there.  Nope.  I tried to put myself into my work, but the fear was overwhelming.  Then I got a voice mail from my daughter.  They had promised to care for my dog, but they were moving to northern California!  They promised me that their friend would take care of him, but the fear quickly became overwhelming.

Luckily for me, the Bible study that was an ongoing part of the mission trip was on Philippians.   "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, in prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make your request be known before God.  And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will fill your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Phil 4: 6-7).

Now, as a rule, I don't memorize scripture.  Not sure why--I just don't.  But this verse, I memorized.  Not only did I memorize it, but I learned a few things that I applied to it.  First of all, I realized that the verses really should be read backwards.  The part "be anxious for nothing" is the RESULT of making your request known with prayer and supplication to Jesus.  Doing it WITH THANKSGIVING is important.  If you don't thank him for the situation, you aren't really and truly turning it over to him.  This situation, as stressful and horrible as it might seem, is another opportunity for him to show his strength and his love for you. And as a result, you will have-not necessarily the solution-but PEACE.  And peace is so important.  The peace of God allows you to continue walking when weaker men would fall.  It allows you contentment in the midst of trouble.  It gives you comfort so that you can walk away from fear and anxiety in the knowledge that God loves you and still has a plan for your life.

Next:  how to deal with fear in your life--a plan to conquer and subdue.

Our fears in God's hands

As far back as I can remember, my big fear was being left alone.  I felt that I would be miserable, that my life would be spent in quiet desperation, and that I would never be happy.  Well, I'm a widow and the last of my children left home this summer, and aside from his dog, I am alone.  Miserable, in quiet desperation, unhappy?  Quite the opposite.  In fact, I've realized that the solitary life is the life that suits me best.  I can come and go as I please, I answer to nobody but myself and God, and I can do what I feel needs to be done without concern about others.  What I didn't realize is that a life alone is not a lonely life.  I have access to my children through Facetime and the phone, I have work and friends, and actually I am busier now than I was when David was home.  Not that I don't miss my kids--of course I do.  But I wouldn't dream of moving to be with them or begging them to live near me.  This season of my life is a season of work and God and writing, and all of those--even work at times-- call for solitude.

For many people, life is a series of living through fear.  We fear something and go to great lengths to make sure that it doesn't happen, even though our running from that fear puts us in greater pain or distances us from God's will.  Take people in domestic abuse, for example.  They know that they are in danger; they realize that their lives are escalating out of control; yet their fear of leaving their partners and finding help so overwhelms them that they stay in the relationship. It's not uncommon to find that they only leave when the partner begins abusing the children.  Some don't even leave them.  They can't imagine life without the stability of the partner's job or money or status, and so they stay.

What people don't realize is that God is with us through that fear.  He will be with us when we take the necessary steps.  He will be with us through the hardship that might come after.  He will be with us when our situation changes.  If we put our trust in him, we can be sure that this will become good for us.  I'm not saying that we will regain our former station; I'm saying that he can teach us to be content in whatever station we find ourselves.

What is your biggest fear?  For me it was being alone.  Nothing overcame that fear like being alone and finding that it isn't the end of my world.  It's the beginning.  I pray that you face your fear and ask the Lord how you can walk through it so that it no longer overwhelms you.

A Intro-Inspection

I have wondered about this moment
This future
Since that day at the hospital.

I left the ICU
Shellshocked
A widow.

With four children at home,
A family that loved me
I had never felt so alone.

Years passed, and I watched my children
As they grew up and moved away.
I feared, not for them,
But for myself.

I knew that they were moving onward with their lives,
Finding love and families of their own.

But I had no one.

I felt ripped in half,
And I grieved for the part of me that would never return.
I lost the only man I have ever loved,
And I wanted no one.
No one could fill his void.

As the years passed,
I began to realize a truth
That took be by surprise.

I was surrounded by love.

My children may not be near,
But I know that they care,
And that is enough.

More,
I find that I have come to understand this truth--
I don't need bodies around me to be happy.

I am perfectly happy in and of myself.
In a way, being alone is what I was always meant to experience.
Not that I want to exclude others--
But honestly,
I have excluded myself for so long,

That it is only right that I get to know that person now.

I find that I like her.
She is interesting,
Observant,
She has a lot to say,
And she wants to see her dreams--
My dreams--
Come to life.

Maybe after this season of writing is over
I will feel the need to reach out to another
And to become part of a larger whole once again.

But for right now,
I am content.
My life is not lonely.
I have so much to do
That I don't know how I could cope with another person.

And for right now
That's okay.