My journey with Physical Illness

I haven't written a blog for a long time. Anywhere. Not here, not in my other blog sites, not in English, not in Spanish. Why? Good question!

Two years ago, I was busy getting ready for healing ministry. I had a website in the works, a platform, a book in the final stages of preparation, and I felt that God had a new calling for me-one that would change my life. He did, just not in the way I'd imagined.

Then I started having trouble breathing. It had probably been going on a lot longer than I'd realized, but by October 2015, I knew that there was something wrong. I went to my doctor, and she said not to worry. I went to Urgent Care, and they said that I had asthma that was acting up. They gave me an inhaler, showed me how to use it, and sent me home. It did nothing. I went back to my doctor, and she acknowledged that there must be a problem and referred me to a pulmonologist, one who couldn't see me till January at the earliest. In the meantime, it was getting harder and harder to breathe. 

In December, I had surgery on a torn ligament. I told them about the "asthma" and they had me use the inhaler before the surgery. I was given a clean bill of health and flew to LA to see my son. After i came back, the breathing seemed to get worse day by day. I began to wonder if I was dying. I went to a different pulmonologist, and he took an x-ray and saw spots on my lungs. I was told to get a C-scan. I didn't have time. That weekend my breathing was so bad that I ended up in the emergency room. The needed C-scan was done there, and it was discovered that I had multiple blood clots in my lungs. 

The short version of what happened next is that I was placed on oxygen 24/7, I could not go back to work, I felt that I needed to be closer to family and so moved in with my daughter, and I gave up on everything-my plans for ministry, my writing, any hope of a future job--simply everything. I played on my phone and followed Facebook, and I began to learn how to be an invalid. And my faith journey stalled out--stalled out in a way I feared would be permanent.

A year has passed, and this summer I have changed. I believe that God has healed my lungs, although I'm still on oxygen right now. I live at a high altitude and know that it will take time to breathe independently here, but I have faith. I already have experienced needing little to no oxygen at sea level. What caused the change? I think part of it is simply the lungs healing themselves with no help from me. But this summer I went to Virginia to see my son, and I began to think like a healthy person who happens to have to use oxygen. I used the Metro and visited all kinds of museums and monuments in Washington DC. Four days after I got back, I went to Redwood Christian Ashram, a beautiful camp in the Santa Cruz mountains where I always find God in a special way. This year, however, I was not excited to go. That in itself was unusual. Once there, though, I found myself becoming unstuck. I took a hard look at why I wasn't excited, and I realized that I didn't want healing-spiritual or otherwise. I dealt with that and by the end of the week was ready for a miracle.

And it happened in a way that reminds me that God truly does have a great sense of humor. We have a healing service on Thursday nights, and after the service I walked to my cabin and tried to plug in my oxygen machine. The plug had broken. I called my son, and he was able to attach it, but during the night it came apart again. I slept the whole night without oxygen. That has happened before-the cannula (the part that goes in your nose) has come out during the night, and the next day the oxygen content in my blood (the pulse ox) has been very low. That day, however, it was normal. It stayed normal as I readied the cabin to leave, went to communion, went to breakfast, and went to the closing service. By that time I was ready to declare that God had worked a miracle. Of course, that is a scary thing in itself. What if he hadn't?

On the ride home, I began to hear God's still small voice. I was healed, yes, but my healing was something I would have to walk in to. He said that I would need oxygen on the trip up, but not to worry about it-it was because of the altitude. Later, he reminded me that I had stopped two essential parts of the healing process: inhalation therapy and breathing treatments. 

So here I am today, sitting at home,  breathing treatment going as I write. I am still on oxygen, but I am a different woman than I was. I am determined that I will continue to walk into God's healing. I am faithful to do my treatments each day and to exercise at least 3 times a week, more when I can. I have also taken up writing again. I know that God is not finished with me yet, so I've decided not to be finished either.

Last week I rediscovered a verse that I'd like to share with you. "He who began a good work in you will complete it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6) It gives me hope and makes me realize that I will be healed. It's already been done-I just have to walk into it.

Nothing to fear...

As a Christian, I've heard the verses.  I've memorized them, kept them in my heart for such a time as this.  "Be anxious for nothing...fear not...be not afraid...and maybe the best of all--God gave us not a spirit of fear but of power and love and self control.

I hope you will forgive me, but in this case, I get more insight from Franklin D. Roosevelt.  He said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."  This is very very true, and for no one more than for me.  I've lived my life fighting fear, and I've lost more often than I've won.  Fear has immobilized me, kept me from achieving my dreams and goals, deprived me of joy and peace, and just basically ruined my life.  I used to live each day in fear. I was anxious about everything.  I worried about my kids and their decisions.  I was afraid that someone would commit suicide when they were having a bad day.  I would check my bank account several times a day, afraid that I had made some sort of mistake and had no money (of course, sometimes I was right to be afraid about that, but still...)--in short, there was really nothing in my life that didn't fill me with fear or anxiety.

For many years, I really didn't know how to fight this fear.  Then came the year that I felt I had to leave my job.  I knew that I couldn't stay there because of the way that they were doing business, so I followed what I believed was God's leading and quit.  As a teacher, of course, I was committed to stay through the year, but I had no idea what would happen after that.  For a widow with a son who would be starting high school, that's a scary place to be.  I tried to find jobs in Bakersfield, but it was too late.  People look for work in teaching in January, and this was April.  The jobs had been filled.  I started casting my net, first outside Bakersfield, then outside California.  There were interested replies, but nobody had offered me a job yet, and I was scheduled to go with my son to the Dominican Republic for a mission trip.

In the DR, I learned many things, some good and some bad.  In looking for answers to my dilemma, I thought that maybe God had something for me there.  Nope.  I tried to put myself into my work, but the fear was overwhelming.  Then I got a voice mail from my daughter.  They had promised to care for my dog, but they were moving to northern California!  They promised me that their friend would take care of him, but the fear quickly became overwhelming.

Luckily for me, the Bible study that was an ongoing part of the mission trip was on Philippians.   "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, in prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make your request be known before God.  And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will fill your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Phil 4: 6-7).

Now, as a rule, I don't memorize scripture.  Not sure why--I just don't.  But this verse, I memorized.  Not only did I memorize it, but I learned a few things that I applied to it.  First of all, I realized that the verses really should be read backwards.  The part "be anxious for nothing" is the RESULT of making your request known with prayer and supplication to Jesus.  Doing it WITH THANKSGIVING is important.  If you don't thank him for the situation, you aren't really and truly turning it over to him.  This situation, as stressful and horrible as it might seem, is another opportunity for him to show his strength and his love for you. And as a result, you will have-not necessarily the solution-but PEACE.  And peace is so important.  The peace of God allows you to continue walking when weaker men would fall.  It allows you contentment in the midst of trouble.  It gives you comfort so that you can walk away from fear and anxiety in the knowledge that God loves you and still has a plan for your life.

Next:  how to deal with fear in your life--a plan to conquer and subdue.