Bullying and its aftereffects

I have been overweight ever since the second grade. I have been teased since kindergarten. I remember the first encounter-not so much what I was teased for, but the fact that someone thought that it was all right to make fun of me. I was shocked. I said nothing, just felt a little bit smaller.

As I continued in school, the teasing grew and so did the teasers. The childish stuff in Kinder grew and developed barbs and claws, so that by the time I was 10, it tore at my very soul.

I'm sure that many of you share my story, and some of you might be wondering 'Why is she still talking about it? Why didn't she put on her big girl panties and walk away from it? We were just kids doing stupid stuff, after all.'

True. And if I was a normal kid, that would have happened. But I was anything but normal. My family was going through upheaval. There were issues at home just like at school. Without going into specific examples, I can truthfully say that I was walking wounded before I ever made through the doors of junior high. The teasing I endured in school just justified (in my mind) the self-concept I was developing at home.

More than anything else, though, I couldn't get over the teasing because it echoed in the shame that was already permeating my mind. Whenever anyone made fun of my hair, my complexion, my weight, my inability to play sports-even things that I knew I COULD do--things like singing and acting-I fully believed them. By the time I was in high school, I didn't just think I was hideous-I KNEW I was. I was embarrassed to be seen in public, and having to go to school day after day to be subjected to still more abuse just made it worse.

Thankfully, I moved to a larger town for college and became part of a group of friends that really liked me. I was able to begin to think that I might one day have worth-if I was talented enough, good enough, and Christian enough for others to overlook my many flaws.

Even today, I still carry the scars of the schoolyard abuse. Recently at a retreat, I was complemented over and over-on how nice I was, how interesting my views were, what a nice voice I had...all of it was beyond my comprehension. They were nice words, but not words that had anything to do with me. I am working on this, but it's slow going.

Why am I bringing all of you into my personal darkness? For two reasons, actually. First of all, I want you to know that the only way to really get over the shame caused by bullying is to forgive your bullies. You don't have to forgive what they did to you, but you have to realize that holding them in your soul-holding the memory of what they did hostage-is not hurting them a bit. It is, however, destroying you. You think destroying is a harsh word? Try thinking about letting go and see what your first reaction is. If you feel as I used to, that they are NEVER going to get away with it, that they deserve your hatred, that they maybe don't deserve to live, you are enslaved by your feelings to them. Let it go. Give it to God. Share with Him the full extent of your anger and hurt, then let him take it and bring it to the Cross.

Secondly, if you were really hurt by your persecutors, you need to ask God for healing. One way of doing this is to ask him to come into your soul, take each and every wound made by the bullying away and bring it to the cross, and then accept that you are a child of God and should always have been treated as such. After that, every time you hear the negative voice of the enemy saying that you are ugly, stupid, lazy, or whatever the trigger words are for you, simply speak God's truth--I am a not. I am a child of God. Saying it really does help you believe it.

I want to tell you that I am still on the healing journey with this as well. I walk every day, hoping that I remember. Most days I do, some I don't. But every day, I know that God loves me. You should have that understanding, too.

God bless you.

hatred

I realized today that I have an issue that has to be dealt with.  I have a deep black hatred in my heart for those people in my childhood who tormented me.  I have never really thought about it in that way  before, and I never really realized what a powerful thing it was.

In childhood, I was fat and sensitive and…well, different.  I suspect that I showed some signs of autism.  I remember always looking down, having an extremely active imagination, and being interested in what I was interested in and not much else.  To say that I didn't fit in at school is an understatement.  From around 4th grade on, I isolated myself more and more.  At first I didn't understand what was going on, but by junior high it was clear in my mind that I was unloved and unlovable.  That lie stayed with me growing up, and I have to say that it is still with me today.

Bullies saw this early on and enjoyed tormenting me.  Because I was introverted, fat, and an easy target, I remember loving school but hating the people in it.  Some teachers were helpful; others ignored the problem and in doing so made it worse.  I also belonged to Girl Scouts.  One day I remember was playing a game where someone would turn around in a circle, point at you, and you had to be the animal she called out.  After being called on to be an elephant 4 times in a row, I left the game to read.  I enjoyed scouts because of the challenge to earn merit badges.  I cared nothing at all for the camaraderie that it was famous for, since that just equalled more torture for me.  Slumber parties turned into fresh ways for the girls to hurt me.

I grew up and left both the town and the people.  I never thought I would ever want to see them again, but I have renewed acquaintances with some--I've written about that before.  What I wanted to make clear here is the impact that my early life had on my later life.

I am not interested in being a friend.  I am not interested in finding a husband.  I am not interested in joining clubs, being part of a social group at school or work, or anything that would lead to close social contact.  I will speak to people online and I do have some friends, but I try them over and over before really identifying myself with them.  Obviously, I'm not talking about sharing my life.  Sharing my life is easy.  It's sharing my heart that's difficult.  I can talk about all this on paper or in front of a crowd because I feel that it's important for others to realize that they're not alone in their hurt.  But I feel, at times, horribly alone.  I feel that nobody could ever really like me, and those that say that they do want something from me.  I know it's not true, but I have to get past those feelings to invite you into my heart.

The stunning thing about this new understanding to me is that hatred doesn't have to come out of anger.  With me, it comes out of hurt and fear.  So many days I walked to school fearing that someone would see me and  find another way to hurt me.  When I was in junior high, I felt that I was so ugly, so hideous, that I would try to find ways to avoid going to restaurants with my family.  I didn't want to inflict myself on the public view any more than was necessary.  What on earth would make a 12-13 year old girl feel that way?  Day after day after day of being informed how fat and ugly and awful she was.  I believed it--it seemed that so many people said it that it must be true.

Why am I giving you all this info?  There's a video that I saw that spoke strongly to me.  It was the first time that I realized that there is still deep-rooted hatred in my heart for these people who have so negatively impacted my life.  I want to give you a chance to see it and realize what I went through (and probably what you went through, too). Here's the link:

http://www.upworthy.com/bullies-called-him-pork-chop-he-took-that-pain-with-him-and-then-cooked-it-into?g=2

I am also writing this to remind you that I am still a wounded person, as so many of us are.  I hear many of you say that I'm successful, that I'm good at what I do, that I am a real help, and I truly hope that some day I'll believe it.  Right now, though, I will just keep acting as if I do, and maybe one day the action will turn into the truth.  I know that it's more true of me now than it used to be.  And for those of you thinking about starting on this journey with me, it has become more true the more I write and the more people respond and share their own pain.  Knowing that I was not alone in my journey, both in childhood and today, has been tremendously healing.  Thanks to all of you who have shared your lives with me as well.