I know what you're thinking…
What? Cope with depression? Based on the earlier posts, I doubt she copes very well with depression! Dear reader, I want you to remember that this blog is not only me trying to be a writer. It's me crying out to those people who read, asking for prayer and hoping that I strike a chord with others who understand how I feel. In fact, blogging is one way that I cope.
I have struggled with depression since I was young--probably since I was a little girl. I was officially diagnosed in my 40's, but I knew that there was a serious problem much earlier. When I was younger, every time depression cycled through, I became hurt, angry, bitter, judgmental, a victim, a user, and just a not-very-nice person to be around. I'm sure that my depression was an important part of my being so isolated in school. Yes, I was bullied, but so are many others. Others were able to deal with the bullying and still have friends. I was not. The bullying entered into me, fed my depression, and made me both afraid to reach out and sure that I was exactly what they said I was.
When I was a young mother, I found out that I had hypothyroidism. I received meds for that. Meds helped. They helped a lot. My children even remarked about it--I remember my son Val saying that I was mean mommy before, but I'm nice mommy now. However, the meds didn't make the depression go away. Every once in a while, I would get really sad, really angry, get hurt really easily, just really depressed. I saw my father going through the same thing, and I hated the way he handled it--manipulating us to try to get attention and help his perceived need. I saw that he was driving his family away from him and I determined that I would never do that. What I didn't realize was that he probably had little control over his depression. I don't know if he even saw it as depression. I know that I didn't see it that way. I felt that he was cruel and unfeeling to his children, that he tried anything he could do get attention, and that he never thought of others, only himself. All of this was true, at least in part. But with the wisdom of years, I can also see these behaviors in myself--
with the important addition of feeling on the inside what he must have been feeling. I now understand the sense of impending catastrophe that he must have been feeling. The difference, though, is that I try not to feed on it and not to let it overflow onto others, at least not verbally. It doesn't always work, but often it does.
When I'm depressed, really depressed, nothing seems to help but time. I have to do the daily things everyone else also has to do--go to work, go to rehearsal, go to church. But I try to be as quiet as I can about my depression. I know that I look like I'm hurting--there's nothing I can do about that, other than take the day off work or stay home from rehearsal, etc. When I'm in a situation and not talking about it,
the worst thing that you can do is try to talk me out of it. Nothing you can say will help, and many things you say can really make it worse. I am amazed by those who decide that they have the right answer and are able to fix another person. If I ask you for advice, that's one thing. But if you come up to me while I'm trying to stay out of the spotlight and thrust me into it, you deny me the ability to deal with my pain and force me to listen to you. While others might benefit by this treatment, in me it revs up depression into either anger--bad--or despair--worse--or hopelessness--worst.
I am in a public place not to make you feel bad for me but to a) do my duty (or my job) or b) try to get some contact. What I need is the freedom to be. I will appreciate a friendly smile and maybe a hug far more than your words of wisdom.
Sometimes, however, I do come to a meeting or public place with the specific goal of trying to get help, or at least to make my voice heard. This morning was an example. I came to a meeting where the three of us all talk about our issues and how we dealt with them over the week. I was asked to go first, and I thought for a second about hiding my issue and saying something neutral. Rightly or wrongly, I didn't. Having opened up, I then received both friendship and advice. That's fine--it's the proper venue. But
if you give me advice, no matter how good it is, please don't expect me to act or respond to what you say with any sort of emotion or gratitude. It's not that I'm angry at you or refuse to take what you've said seriously.
I don't respond because I need time. I sometimes can't push out of my depression far enough to give you the socially acceptable response. That's one reason I try not to be in these outlets unless I know the people involved and feel very comfortable around them. This morning, I was advised several things, one being to lay on the floor and ask the Holy Spirit to indwell me. I couldn't get to a good enough place to acknowledge the wisdom of that remark--but I did try that when I got home. Did it help? Maybe. And that leads me to my next point.
Don't expect depression to come and go at will. At least in my case, it cycles. Something might start it, but equally often it just comes. When it comes, I pray that I recognize it. I have come to realize that I can recognize it when it comes out of the blue; I can't recognize it when it comes as the result of another issue. For example, my depression really started this year because of tiny little triggers. I caught a couple, but they kept coming and coming and I stopped counteracting them. It became overwhelming, and at some point I lay down and let it bowl me over. It didn't happen overnight and it won't go away overnight.
Having said all that, maybe at this point you're thinking that depression is too overwhelming and hopeless to deal with. That's not the case. Here are some things that I know to be true.
- Depression can be managed, at least in part, by medication. If you don't have a reason for your depression and you are depressed anyway, you should talk to your psychiatrist or doctor and see if you need something to take the edge off. Again, though, you have to be realistic. The commercial with the girl who has coat on or the rain cloud over her head shows truth: the coat is near her, the rain crowd is off to the side at the end of the commercial, but they never go away. Medicine will not save you from depression--it will help you control your depression.
- You need to be self-aware, not self-absorbed. When I'm depressed, I look at myself to figure out if there's a reason. If there's a reason, I try to understand why I'm depressed because of that reason. Usually I can, and usually that helps. However, please don't think that the reason I give you for my depression is the only (or even the most important) reason. Unless you are my counselor, I probably won't tell you the full story. I might even give you the least offensive of reasons that I'm depressed. I'm just like everyone else. I don't want you, my friend, my family member to see how someone's actions have set me off--especially if they're your actions. Again, the difference between depression and getting your feelings hurt or needing to confront is vast. I sometimes have to get the depression to a manageable level before I can begin to work with what is bothering me. When I do, what is bothering me might stop bothering me. I can only realize and properly deal with its smallness when I'm free of the cloud of depression that was its companion.
- Find an outlet. Yes, it can backfire. Right now, Part of my situation is fueled by issues regarding my avocations. That does not mean that I should quit my avocations. The fact that I continue in spite of the depression is a sign to me that I can continue to function in spite of myself. The fact that I can blog through this very significant depressive episode gives me hope that next time the episode will be less. Yes, I have thought about quitting. No, I am determined not to.
- Finally, take care of yourself. I want to do nothing but eat and sleep when I'm this depressed. So right now I'm chewing gum at the computer. I did go to Burger King and take a nap, but I refuse to let my weak moments define me. I'm up now. I'm not eating now.
If you also suffer from depression, I'd love to hear from you. Many of us suffer alone, and I know how hard that can be. I am determined never to allow that to happen to me again. I know that there will always be depression in my life, but I have decided to always allow sunshine in my heart as well. So if you want to talk further, email me at meggiev7777@gmail.com or comment. We are a brotherhood, and there is strength in numbers.
