Dream to Goal

I have dreamed of being a published author my whole life.  In the past, I thought that this would never happen.  I was so bound up in my own hurt that I could only see the road straight ahead of me, and that only for a few yards.  Whenever I tried to write, voices seemed to shout at me, "You're so stupid! Why do you think you can write?  Nobody wants to read what you have to say!"  That would continue until I put down my pen and walked away.  Obviously, I was being fed lies, some would say through demons, others just by my own poison self talk.  Either way, I knew this had to change.  I sought counseling from an old friend (NOT the best idea, those of you who are searching.  It worked for me, but I don't recommend it for the majority of people).

My friend was more interested in renewing our friendship than in a strict patient-counselor relationship, so we tried that out.  It seemed to work for us, mainly because she understood where I was in the relationship.  There were times when I only wanted her to be my counselor; other times I accepted her as a friend.  It was a long time before we could do both at the same time.

While we were finding our way in this relationship, she asked if I'd like to go with her to San Diego.  I agreed, and we had fun seeing the sites and searching out the used book stores.  In the car, she would play classical music.  On the way back, she played Taverner's Akathist of Thanksgiving.  The Eastern Orthodox sound and the beauty of the music were overwhelming.  As we listened, she gave me the CD notes to read, and I realized that the man who wrote the meditations on the Psalms was held in a Russian prison.  He spoke of the beauty of nature, the glory of God, and the wonders of his love--all with only a small window which looked out on the barrenness of the prison.  I was inspired.  "If he can do all that facing certain death, surely I can write meditations as well."  When I got home, I started writing meditations on the Psalms--starting backwards at Ps 150.  Such joy!  A wellspring seemed to come up out of nowhere, and I began writing more and more.  My counselor/friend and I began writing music together, too.

So I was released to write, and for many years, that was enough.  But eventually, the desire to publish became a burning within me.  I've never been one of those people who can write for God or for his own self-pleasure.  I write for an audience.  Even now, I think of you reading these words as I write them.  I think of you wondering if maybe it can work for you like it worked for me.  I'm praying that you realize that it can.

So I had the desire to publish, but I didn't have the faintest idea how.  I also was afraid.  No matter how many people told me that my content was good, it didn't give me the courage to submit it for publication.  So I kept writing, but with no place to show it off, it was frustrating.

Then I found blogs.  I started writing, testing out different styles and having fun.  I was excited and felt that maybe things were starting to come around.  But then--I wrote something that got me into serious trouble in the work place, and fear overwhelmed me.  Before, I felt that I was too stupid to write.  Then, I felt that I could lose my job if I wrote.

It took time, but I started again.  This time, lesson learned, I determined never to put anything on my blog that I wouldn't want my worst enemy to read.  It worked.  My audience was small, but I got good reports.  After a while, I also started a blog for language teachers, and that took off.  I was very happy about that, too.  But still--publishing?  However, this time I felt a little more hope.  I started reaching out to the writing community.  There were some false starts, yes, but then I found it:  a Christian writer's group!  This was truly an answer to prayer!  In one simple meeting, I received all the hope, affirmation, and encouragement that I could ever have wanted.  Last night, I got out all my writings and am starting to categorize them.  I'm excited, because I now know what to do and how to do it.

So now my dream of publishing has turned into a goal.  I'm setting that goal down here as a marker:  I have decided to release a book of monologs by Christmas.  It will be called Biblical Portraits, Vol. 1, and it will center on the people and time during the life of Christ.  I will self-publish (it just so happened that this was the topic of my first meeting), and I will release it on Amazon.com.

So there, friends.  My goal is down for all to see. Please pray with me that I might achieve this goal.

I will let you know how it goes, and I will give you samples of the portraits.  I would appreciate it if you would pass them on to your reading friends.  It seems I also have to have my own website, so that is in the works as well.

Love to you all!  I know that many of you have been praying for me to get to this point in my career.  Thank you!! I'm excited!