The passage of time--the passing of sorrow

December 2012
So long--20 years--since he was with me.  I remember that Christmas in fits and starts.  I remember presents, mostly.  This was the first year that we'd had enough money to buy presents without worrying about it.  I remember a microwave (big enough to bake a turkey!!), a dinnerware set, a Nintendo, flannel shirts, and jeans. I remember baking dishes and mixing bowls.  I remember--vaguely--going to the cemetery.  But that's about it.

How time has flown.  The baby in my arms then is now a young man of 20.  My three children are grown with families of there own.  My husband has been gone for 20 years, my son for 21.  And this year has been a year of looking back.

I haven't looked at Tommy's journal for years and years.  But it's time.  This is a little book given me by my sister.  She told me that I could note Tommy's miraculous journey on it.  Instead, I logged hours of pain, hours of fear, hours of grief.  But it's a precious little book.  I am glad I still have it.  I am going to write down a few things that I want to remember here, and then I'll tuck it safely away.  It will sleep with Tommy's photos, nightgown, sunglasses, and baby book until I'm at a place where I'll need to revisit once again.

Unfinished Business

Even though it's been a year
Even though I'm due any day
I've still got some unfinished business
With my feelings about Tommy.

It happens when I open a box of diapers,
And a pamphlet comes out dated 1991
and it's 1992.

It happens when I'm reading a book
and I look at a note I penciled in
and it's from last time.

It happens when I pack my diaper bag
and the booties and mittens are hand-me-downs
though still in their original packaging.

I know what to do about some things--
the blue diaper goes in his baby book
the note is reread and cried over
the new (old)  baby book has a note about the "gift" from brother--

But how can I stop grieving
and turn my thoughts toward my new baby
when every day I miss Tommy
and need him more and more?
7/30 (did I really not think about the fact that this was my mother's birthday?)

So after all the years, I will answer my own question.
I turned my thoughts to my new baby after he arrived.  David was our light.  He was truly beloved.  He came as a spot of sunshine, a gleam of home between the storms.  I know very well that Daddy was healed by his birth, although the end came for him way to soon.

Tommy, you will always be remembered
You will always be loved.
Your memory will live on in our hearts forever,
And we will continue to love you
Until we see you again.