beauty in the heart of the beholder

She sits quietly
Waiting for class to start
And hoping nobody notices her.

She knows she doesn't fit in.
Her gait is awkward
Her clothes don't hang right
Her hair isn't becoming

Sometimes she feels that
she really doesn't have the right
To even exist.

And yet she goes to school
And she sits in her seat
And she does what she must
To survive.

There is really nothing wrong.
She's not abused,
She's just--different.

Her mother says that things will improve.
She didn't used to believe her.
But then--

One day,
Her mother showed her old photos
And there
In a chair
Was she!

But it wasn't, really.
It was her mother.
Equally gawky,
Equally awkward,

But so beautiful
and so loved
Now.

The remembered sight
gives her strength
to wait

and dream
of the future.

you don't know how much you mean

i received a card today.
there was no money inside
only a handwritten note
and inside,
two cards
scripture on one side,
a prayer on the other.

you don't know how much that meant to me.
you can't know that i rejoiced upon getting it
that i have it in my purse
and that i will take it to school with me tomorrow
and hang it up
with all the other cards you've sent me.

you brighten my life with your kindnesses.
you hear God's still small voice so clearly,
and you follow it to the letter.

i love that about you.

The phone call (yes, even depression has its funny moments)

Hello, this is your doctor's office.  Please press "8" to speak to the nurse on call.

(Press 8)

Hello, this is the nurse on call.  If this is a life-threatening emergency, please hang up and dial 9-1-1.  If not, please stay on the line.

(Elevator music)

Hello, this is Piyali.  I am a registered nurse.  What is your problem?

Hello, I've been suffering from depression, and I'm wondering if it's possible to get a prescription over the phone.  (Notice that's a yes-or-no question).

Thank you for your call.  How are you doing today?

(I'm a little depressed, as you might have guessed from the call--)  I am okay.  I've been having some issues with depression and would like to know if it's possible to get a new prescription on the weekend.

Thank you.  Are you feeling homicidal or suicidal?

Neither, I just…

Thank you.  Have you been depressed for very long?

I suffer from depression.  I am taking medication for it.  I take lkjlkjkjlj and lkrj23wlkrjeldskfj.

I see.  And are you thinking of killing yourself right now?

(well actually I wasn't, but since I've been on the phone…)  No, ma'am.  As I said, I need to find out…

Yes, yes.  Have you taken the medication long?

Yes, the kjlkjlj for many years and the other for about a year.

All right.  Let me get your first and last name.

Really?  Maybe you should have listened when I gave it to you the other time ! Yes, it's Margaret Villanueva, I go by Meg.  The last name is V-I-L-L-A-N-U-E-V-A.

Thank you Mar-ga-ret.  I see by your chart they you are currently taking lkjlkjlkjlk and werjewkelrkjwel.  How long have you been taking those medications?

Um, 
lady, have you been LISTENING???  Yes.  I have been taking the first for several years and the second for about a year.  It isn't working, so I was wondering if I could get a prescription or if I need to wait and call the doctor in the morning.

Well, Mar-ga-ret

It's Meg--

Well, yes, Meg, it sounds as if you are feeling depressed.  Are you sure that you are not feeling even a little suicidal?  Have you had any urge at all to harm yourself or another?

Hmmm….now that you mention it, I can think of one person I'd like to harm… No ma'am, I just want to know if I can get a prescription this weekend or if I have to wait for Monday to speak to the doctor.

Well, since you are depressed, I recommend that you lie down in bed and curl up to comfort yourself.  I also recommend that if you have any other problems that you call back the nurse line.  And be sure to call the doctor in the morning.

So are you saying that you can't get a prescription on the weekend?

No, but don't worry, the doctor will see the message.  And remember, if you are feeling suicidal, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

This was the actual phone call that I made this morning after I found that I had to leave church early since I couldn't control my depression.  There was more to the call, but this was the gist.  No wonder so many people suffer from depression!  

i will write

I can't write for myself write now,
I'm feeling much too blue,
But you might be feeling sad as well,
So I will write for you.

I have nothing left in me,
No spirit to renew,
But you might be feeling low as well,
So I will write for you.

I have no words left to give,
No ideas are brought in view,
But you might be the same way, too,
So I will write for you.

Are you alone?
Are you afraid?
Do you have demons
you must fight?

You're not alone,
I'm here with you,
To fight your demons--
I will write.

prayer request

Well, let's see.  What is there to say?  My depression doesn't seem to be going away, so I am afraid that I won't be able to write a post a day for the short term.  When I'm up to it, I'll write.  when I'm not up to it, I won't.  I'd ask a favor, though.  If you don't see a blog from me (those of you who look for them and read them), please pray for me.  I am not sure what is wrong.  I'm going to a counselor on Monday and will also ask my doctor if there might be a medical problem, but until I'm on a more even keel, please keep me in your prayers.

I think that is the most important thing that we have together as Christians and as friends--prayer.  It keeps us going to know that people care.

untitled

Relax.
Breathe.
Look around you--

Focus.
Support.
Listen to the sound of your own heart beating.

In.
Out.
Realize that God has made you beautiful.

One.
Unique.
This is what God sees in you.

the deceptiveness of simplicity

When I last spoke of simplicity, my friend Roseann--the one with the beautiful picture of the little girl playing--told me that it might have looked simple, but it certainly wasn't simple to make!

That started me thinking. How much of what we see and delight in as simple beauty is actually intricately designed and thoughtfully created to be the simplicity that we see.

I'm reminded of an article about death that I read once long ago.  A man spoke of coming in and seeing a friend who had just died.  He spent time with the friend, and it seemed that he had just gone to sleep.  The simplicity of the picture was very healing, and he appreciated the time he had at the bedside of the loved one.

Later, he was in a position (I forget just how) to be at the bedside of someone who had died moments before.  This was no beautiful picture.  The man had not died easily.  He was anything but peaceful-looking.  The man then realized that his loved one probably hadn't been either.  Someone had given time, love, and effort to make those coming moments that he would share peaceful and beautiful.  He spoke of being grateful to be able to do the same.

Sometimes simplicity is celebrated because of the horror that comes before.  About once a year or so, I fall into a deep depression.  Falling is the appropriate word here.  Depression, for me, is much more manageable if I can see it coming.  This one took me unawares.  It lingered and lingered, and I felt that I was living in horrific darkness--a place totally devoid of light.  This Sunday, though, it began to dissipate.  I'm so thankful for the simple fact of being in the light once again.  Nothing spectacular is happening--I'm just free.  What a simple thing--but what a blessing.

Roseann spoke to me of simplicity in art, and I'd like to close with this.

In my opinion, the best art looks effortless, as if the strokes of paint had just flowed 

perfectly from the brush, resulting in a lovely, "simple" creation. Sometimes that actually 

happens, as if I had been touched by a magic wand and given a gift. I live for those days!

 

More times than not, however, it is a slightly more complicated process. Often, many hours

 of comtemplation and visualizing, sketching and seeking sources for accuracy must take 

place before ever putting brush to canvas. If done correctly, the result is pleasing to the 

eye, flowing nicely from one point to another without apparent hesitation, creating 

"simple" beauty.

 

In my opinion, less pleasing art is created when the piece looks labored or contrived. 

If the viewer thinks "My, that must have taken a long time and it certainly looks hard to do. 

What skill!" ...then I , at least, am not a happy artist. I want the viewer to feel the same

 joy as I felt when when I have really enjoyed the process of creating the painting.  Summary:  

It can be hard to make it look easy.

I want the viewer to feel the same joy as I felt…that is why we strive to do anything, isn't it?  So

let us serve, in simplicity, both God and man.