the longest week of my life

I still am standing.  Not much sleep, but that's to be expected.  I want life to be exciting--I surely got my wish!  But excitement leads to stress, stress leads to depression, and depression leads to pain.  Maybe some day I'll learn to manage it better, but I hope that happens soon.  After all, I'm 55 years old!

I walk daily through this maze of stress, and I am learning as I go.  One thing I've learned is to pace myself.  I've realized that something will have to give.  For me, today, that means giving up a voice lesson that I love.  I realize that I need the rest more than I love the lesson.

Last night, I learned another lesson--even if the buildup of pain is unavoidable, it can be reasoned through and dealt with.  I used to be an alto.  I can read music, and that's where they put you.  I sang alto for many years, and every time I finished rehearsal, my throat hurt.  So yesterday I found out that I was given a solo part in a big piece--3rd soprano!!  It hurt.  I felt like I was being demoted.  On top of everything else, it was the straw before the straw that broke the camel's back.  I was perilously close to tears.  But as the rehearsal continued, I remembered back.  I had told my director that I used to be an alto.  He asked me how long I'd sung alto.  And I know that of the three women picked, my voice and talent were the right ones for that part.  I can find the notes, and I can make the low harmonies work because I have the notes in a way that other sopranos don't.

Later, as I was driving home, tears did come.  I was sorry my son had to be there for it.  He really doesn't understand--he tries to give advice, make it better, and I appreciate that in him.  But what I needed was a good cry or a long shower.  I chose the shower--had to wash my hair anyway!!

So, dear reader, today I'm asking for your prayers.  It's a very stressful morning, leading to a stressful afternoon, leading to another rehearsal tonight.  But I know that God is always behind me, before me, under and over me, and within me, so I can handle it.  With his love and your prayers.  Thank you.

bleeding inside...

Okay, no more poetry.  Sorry, Nanowrimo, but I can't do it.  There's too much pain and hurt for me to try to bring my thoughts into neat little lines.  So )()(*I)(* it.  I can't do it today.  Not today.

You might ask why?  What's happened? Why are you so hurt/sad/depressed?  Lots of little things all together.  I thought that I was bigger than this, but I guess I'm not.  I can usually deal with things (nothing is all that big, after all), but too many little things all pushed together becomes a big ball of stress and hurt lodged in between my throat and my heart.  It's too much.  I can't bear it.  And yet, who else will, if not me.

Please don't say "God".  It's all well and good to say that, but you know what?  I LOVE God.  I have known him and loved him since I was FIVE.  But sometimes it's not enough.  Don't tell me that means that somehow I'm not letting him in.  When I get like this, I just have to fight through it and realize that he's behind me, pulling for me.

It's times like these that I realize how very alone I am.  I feel sorry for my son--he shouldn't have to see me go through this stupidity, but he's good about it.  That's something, at least.

So if you want to help me, pray.  My problem, at the core, is that I'm too stressed, too tired, have too much to do, and feel that I'm letting people down.  I know that's stupid, but that's how I feel.  Just in writing this, I know what I have to do.  I have to write to the person that I feel that I'm letting down and explain that I'm doing the best I can and she's going to have to deal with it.

I feel better already.  Not.  But at least now I know what I have to do.

To Frank the Pug

Oh Frank,
I wake up in the middle of the night,
and you're there.

Faithful friend.

I get up in the morning
And you follow.

Loving companion.

A dog like you is without price
Beyond compare

Except,
my dear--

You snore.

waiting

Frustrated with waiting I sit,
Staring at the door which stubbornly refuses to open.

Thinking about times past,
Wondering if today is just a token
of things to come,

Or if my life will once again reverse,
become the life that once it was,
that I thought it was meant to be.

But we
are not gods.
We do not know
the future.

In fact, sometimes
it seems
that we hardly know
the present.

And so,
I sit
impatiently waiting
for something
to happen,
for something
to change,

for something
to finally
start.

Lord, You

Sometimes I'm so high that it seems
Life will never
be anything
but rainbows
and sunrise,
and wildflowers
And I thank you for that.

But sometimes I'm so low that it seems
Life will never
be anything
but heartache,
and pain,
and death all around me.
And I thank you for that.

I thank you for the sunlit times
Because I know that they are what they are
Because of you.
I thank you even more for the times of despair,
of hopelessness,
of weeping and sorrowing through the night
Because You are the Joy that comes in the morning.

angel in the icu

the waiting room was empty
who would be there
anyway
at 3:30 in the morning
unless they had to be.

unless they had just heard
that their world
their life
was ending.

he was brain dead.

nobody could have foreseen this happening.

but there she was.

she had been there before,
though i was never sure why.

she was there when i came
and she was there when i left

i never actually saw her enter the icu

she said that she had a brother in there

and it never occurred to me to wonder
why she never visited him.

that day, though,
there was no pretense.

she wasn't there for a brother

she was there for me.

she saw me and gave me an encouraging smile
as i opened the door
and spent the beginning of the last day of his life with my husband.

no response to pain
no gag reflex
three major strokes
had taken my warrior away from me
away from my children
away from his mother and all his family.

i stayed the allotted time
and when i left,
expecting nobody

there she was.

she said not one word
just came to me
enveloped me
and held me while i cried.

when i was ready,
i left.

i never saw her again.

i don't know for sure if she was an angel,
but she will always be an angel to me.

friendship and sharing

When I woke up today, I knew one thing for certain.  I did not want to go to my sharing group.  I don't know why I didn't--I just didn't.  Not wanting and not doing, though, are two very different things.  I went, and I went, in part, because I have learned that the more I don't want to do something, the more I need to do it.

That's how it was today.  Yesterday seemed to prepare me for today.  One person was missing, but the friend who was there was a person who understood, and I was able to share a lot, get a lot of things in the open.  It helped me to have someone nonjudgemental there, someone who understood and was okay with my weakness.

Do you have someplace you can go to share?  It's really important, you know.  If you do, you're blessed.  If you don't, think about areas in your life that might present themselves for that reason.  You'll be glad you did.