I have struggled with mental disease most my life. I have received therapy, worked with friends, counseled with ministers, and used self-help in order to peel the layers that I built to protect myself from pain. They call it peeling the onion.
Thing is, there is something that nobody ever told me; something that I think it is essential to know in order to heal. Sometimes when you peel the onion, you find the core is rotten. I think that it is more often than not, in fact, although some people may not find it so. But this was definitely true for me. And sometimes it takes a truly traumatizing event to bring that core into the light.
For me, it was something as simple as a misunderstanding that blew up out of all proportion. It caused me grief, and it hurt me. That's normal. What wasn't normal was the immediate jump to feelings of worthlessness and the impression that life would be better off without me. That was totally out of all relationship to this issue, and it made no sense. Obviously, something was wrong.
What was wrong was the fact that I had reached the core. What was wrong was that life lessons had taught me that I am worthless and am only as good as what I have to offer. If that offering is rejected, no matter why, then I am rejected, too. That understanding was a revelation to me--an epiphany. Even though it happened in such a way that my world was rocked, I'm happy that it did, because now I can work on getting past it.
There are so many things that go into who we are. Thirty-seven trillion molecules make up our physical selves and a thousand million times and feelings make up our mental selves. Each of us goes through the same kind of experiences, but some are able to cope much better than others. Those of us who can't cope well can become diseased--way down deep inside where nobody can reach. We cover our disease with layer upon layer of bandages to hide the defect and seal away the pain. Kind of like a pearl. We have to do this in order to live. But the difference between onions and pearls is that the pearl's shell seems to be impervious to the piece of sand that caused it to form, while an onion's layers don't do a great job of keeping the disease at bay. If the core is rotten, it infects the layers, inside out, one layer after another, until the whole onion is damaged.
Thank God that we are not onions. Thank God that layers can be peeled away, the disease at the core can be excised, and a new core can form. That's where I am right now. I can honestly say that I'm thankful for the events that caused the underlying issues to come to light. God is good, and he knew exactly the time for this to happen. I'm taking steps to try and make sure that it won't happen again. Even if it does--even if I am wounded by thoughtlessness and misunderstandings--I now have a new awareness that my circumstances don't have to influence my life. With or without my talents and abilities, I AM VALUABLE. And so are you.
So, if you find yourself peeling onions, whether actual or metaphorical, God bless you. Remember that peeling may bring tears, but they don't last forever. And keep in mind that there are people around you who care about you and pray for your healing.
